cotton candy

When I left work today, around 5pm, the sky was pink and blue. The moon already up, demure and waiting. Hazy moon. Waiting to dominate the sky.

Today wasn't that nice of a day. At work, I felt really tired but I managed to figure out a way to sit so my back wouldn't hurt. I went into "the zone" and worked and worked and hardly moved my hands from the computer. Even when I put on energetic music, I felt like lead. I had two cups of coffee in the morning, but I only felt decent for about an hour. I worked - repetitive, monotonous, robotic, copy and paste. My eyes drooped. My whole body sagged.

I kept feeling anxious. I tried just about a hundred and one mental tricks to calm myself - to try and let my mind wander off to some safe and neutral place that would allow time to pass at a regular rate instead of slowing to a crawl. Sometimes seeming to speed up - you know, just to keep me on my toes and make me sickly and acutely aware of the passage of time.

I have to put gas in my car and deposit three weeks worth of paychecks. I have to call Kaiser and set up an appointment. I have to get Live Scan fingerprinted for my notary commission to go through. I have to look up schools and I have bills to pay in a week. I have to finish cleaning my room and do what seems like a dozen loads of laundry. I really should call the orthodontist and get an appointment sooner than the 20th, wires are jabbing me and I've lost some of the bands that go on my brackets. I feel like I'm drifting away from some people that are important to me, but I can't get over myself long enough to make contact.

Sometimes I just feel utterly incapable. I'm struggling hard just to do simple real-world things. I feel like the most I can accomplish is to get out of bed in the morning and go to work - zombie through the day until 5. I know it's Tuesday, I checked. But it feels like no day at all. It feels like I just happen to be awake in some weird place in time. I feel like I have always been here, like today already happened yesterday and the day before and over and over. And tomorrow will be today all over again, and the day after, too. I know it doesn't really make sense - but that's how it feels.

I think I probably should take a nap. Maybe I just need sleep.

I know I am doing better than I could be, and that it is good that I am still trying. But I am starting to get hit with anxiety, every day. My hands might sweat, or my heart will start beating really hard, or I feel a sick flutter in my gut. I'm trying though..

I could go for a beer but I think I drank them all last week.